The Impotent Policeman?

So I guess you’re a big man now there Mr. Policeman. Propped up nice and comfy at the helm of the beast you yourself call “the chariot”. Turquoise numbers arc up to form different monitoring systems. The dials that shift around them, rising and falling at your command, are the colour of the autumn sunset fireball you see around here in the misty dusk. Take comfort in your two rifles standing strong and proud – steel will not become impotent you see. Not like you. Not the way a middle aged man like you will.

But technological innovation can fulfill your wildest dreams – extend your life – make you young again – help you forget all your failings. Thank you Pfizer, Astra, Proctor and Gamble. You serve and protect by mishandling the weakest, most vulnerable, the honest – doing the dirty work for private companies in your jurisdiction – we wouldn’t want any unpredictable elements mixing sand somehow into the oil of a nice and lubed up machine. I bet you wish that lube was all it took to solve some of your problems. Don’t you?

So you make me go thought my bag, empty out all my shit – breaking and entering my personal home – and check three of my IDs – because you’re headquarters and cronies were too fucking stupid to actually log things out properly the first time ‘round. Really cool though how it took over 20 minutes to run the ID check the Ohio guys did in less than two. And I’m sure glad you remembered to grab the McDonald’s meal deal before midnight rolled around and the new menu hit. I mean, it would be a shame if you actually had to put work before grease. And hell, I enjoyed chilling out with all four of you and your county cruisers and everything, but I hear you were actually having a “pretty busy” night, and it would suck if all the real criminals around here couldn’t have the wikkid awesome chance to witness your wonderful hospitality.

So as I got some rest, listening to my own chill tunes and watching stocky two-story farmhouses and lazy barnyards flow by, out the window of your “chariot”, I was thankful you were willing to go so far out of your way to dump me at a rest stop in the next county and inform the authorities there that I was now their problem. That was a stand up move. And Wal-Mart and their trucking division thanks you for keeping a “dangerous” hitchhiker like me away from their fleet. And BP thanks you for helping to maintain steady traffic-flow to their myriad pumps, without any interruptions, human exchange, or questions asked. And McDonald’s thanks you for your patronage – you’re their favourite type of cop. They prepared your burgers with an extra-large smile.

Oh, and by the way, that was a really nice touch, not being able to keep track of my knife. It’s cool though that you like to sit on confiscated weapons. I understand how a man like you might like his asshole fondled. So I really appreciated the couple bucks you thrust into my face for the vending machines here at the rest stop. I guess M n’ Ms and trail mix are the perfect antidote to the black transvestite truckers with quick dicks out looking for trouble, like, the ones actually known to inhabit the area. I mean, really, what would I have done without you Mr. Policeman? I’m sure your buddies would be proud.

Oh shit. I almost forgot about one last thing. The best part of all was finding out that you actually took me further out of my way – pushing me deeper, harder, deeper, longer, HARDER…OH YEAAH… into the backcountry.

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Listen to: -The Locust "One Manometer Away From Mutually Assured Relocation"
-The New Lost City Ramblers "How Can A Poor Man Stand Such Times and Live"
-Why "Fatalist Psalmistry"
-Tom Waits "Low Side of the Road"
-Sole and the Skydiving Band "One Egg Short of the Omelette"
-Pig Destroyer "Rotten Yellow"
-Madlib "Raw Tranquility pt. 3"
-Dillinger Escape Plan "When Acting as a Particle"
-Black Moth Super Rainbow "Neon Syrup for the Cemetery Sisters"